Fat and miserable

Well, here I sit, feeling like Jabba the hut...fat and miserable...mean and nasty.  Not happy, not smiley, no song wanting to burst forth.  Miserable, mean, and fat.  Partly because I have had the flu but mostly because I haven't been doing anything.  I haven't been eating healthy, I haven't been exercising...I'm sad and fat and lonely (Earl's been on evening shift)...I've rejoined Biggest Loser Club and will be returning to our gym this week (with Earl! Yay!)...I'm looking for a Bootcamp Challenge group through Biggest Loser - this will be accountability for what I eat and drink...The gym, of course, is the gym!  There is my accountability for exercise!  It's the best gym ever!  And, the gym will give my points for the Bootcamp challenge!  Win win!  And, hopefully, my body will react positively by slimming down and muscling up (as much as a woman's body can muscle up naturally)...

When I don't exercise, I am so very unhappy.  There are many things in my life that make me unhappy.  But I am working on doing the things that make me happy - like writing in this blog.  I used to write every minute of the day, but lately I've written nothing.  So the blog will help me move past that unhappiness.  Being fat makes me unhappy - so I will exercise and take part in the bootcamp challenges.  That will increase the endorphins and make me happy again!  I hate being a miserable bitch all the time.  I hate that all I want to do is curl up and cry.  I hate feeling like all I do is yell.  I want to interact with my children in a positive way, but at the end of the day I rush to make supper, I rush to get laundry done, I rush to get them washed and in bed on time...I don't feel there is quality time in the evenings when Earl isn't home.  It's rush rush rush...yell yell yell.  Pick up your toys, brush your teeth, put on your jammies, no you can't have a cookie, no you can't sit on my lap there isn't time...no you can't...no you can't...no you can't....

So, I'm getting to the root of the problem.  ME....I am not happy with me and it is reflected in my dealings with Earl and my children.  So, how do I become happy again?  ME...exercise and eat well, hopefully lose weight eventually...if I am happy with me I will be happy to everyone else.  I love my husband and I love my children - now I have to learn to love me again so I can show them I love them.  Does that make sense?

Step one - I journalled my food for the day - honestly - and it was painful...2300 calories...Yikes!  But, I was honest and that is a good start.

To the future!