Been awhile

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last blogged...over a month!  That's crazy!  Christmas came and went, no big deal...Family left on Boxing Day and I had 10 days of quiet!  I did a lot but not as much as I wanted!

Not much else to say!  Time to put children to sleep!  Very tired, haven't lost any weight but have been working out quite a bit!  Should change my eating habits, but I keep slipping back!  Brutal!  I need to take each day as it comes!

Bye

So here I am...

So here I am, sitting on the couch...but it's okay because I worked my butt off today!  I circuit trained, I snow shoed, I did laundry...I was busy!  I am now tired and sore!  Especially my knees.  I'm not really feeling much like writing.  I am just meandering...

I wanted to spend the evening with my husband in a tidy living room, watching a movie.  Here I sit with my hsuband in his chair, the living room a disaster, and hockey on the TV.  yay.  so very exciting.  not what i pictured when I asked him not to work the overtime shift.  I might as well have had him work overtime, at least then he would be providing extra cash to our budget.  Oh well, at least we're together.

And laughing!  he has his pants pulled up above his waist!!!  too funny!  husband and children are going to see the dancing lights in the library park and I am going to have a hot hot bath...ahhhh....me-time!

Life is good!

Fat and miserable

Well, here I sit, feeling like Jabba the hut...fat and miserable...mean and nasty.  Not happy, not smiley, no song wanting to burst forth.  Miserable, mean, and fat.  Partly because I have had the flu but mostly because I haven't been doing anything.  I haven't been eating healthy, I haven't been exercising...I'm sad and fat and lonely (Earl's been on evening shift)...I've rejoined Biggest Loser Club and will be returning to our gym this week (with Earl! Yay!)...I'm looking for a Bootcamp Challenge group through Biggest Loser - this will be accountability for what I eat and drink...The gym, of course, is the gym!  There is my accountability for exercise!  It's the best gym ever!  And, the gym will give my points for the Bootcamp challenge!  Win win!  And, hopefully, my body will react positively by slimming down and muscling up (as much as a woman's body can muscle up naturally)...

When I don't exercise, I am so very unhappy.  There are many things in my life that make me unhappy.  But I am working on doing the things that make me happy - like writing in this blog.  I used to write every minute of the day, but lately I've written nothing.  So the blog will help me move past that unhappiness.  Being fat makes me unhappy - so I will exercise and take part in the bootcamp challenges.  That will increase the endorphins and make me happy again!  I hate being a miserable bitch all the time.  I hate that all I want to do is curl up and cry.  I hate feeling like all I do is yell.  I want to interact with my children in a positive way, but at the end of the day I rush to make supper, I rush to get laundry done, I rush to get them washed and in bed on time...I don't feel there is quality time in the evenings when Earl isn't home.  It's rush rush rush...yell yell yell.  Pick up your toys, brush your teeth, put on your jammies, no you can't have a cookie, no you can't sit on my lap there isn't time...no you can't...no you can't...no you can't....

So, I'm getting to the root of the problem.  ME....I am not happy with me and it is reflected in my dealings with Earl and my children.  So, how do I become happy again?  ME...exercise and eat well, hopefully lose weight eventually...if I am happy with me I will be happy to everyone else.  I love my husband and I love my children - now I have to learn to love me again so I can show them I love them.  Does that make sense?

Step one - I journalled my food for the day - honestly - and it was painful...2300 calories...Yikes!  But, I was honest and that is a good start.

To the future!

Great Weekend

Well, what a busy weekend!  We had a work Christmas party on Friday night for my husband's work...Then off to Edmonton on Saturday where I spent the day with 2 strangers shopping at West Edmonton Mall!  (Wives of 2 people my husband works with in the Reserves), then a Mess Function Saturday night, more shopping Sunday and a nice visit with a friend Sunday afternoon!

So, work Christmas party...It was lots of fun!  Great conversation, nice visiting!  It was all going great until someone decided to make out in the bathroom with a lady who wasn't his wife...and then the wife walked in...!  Youch, that pretty much ended the party!  I heard the guy in question may have ended up with a broken nose, but I haven't heard for sure...Other than that, good time!

On Saturday, I agreed to spend the day shopping with 2 people I have never met before.  I was a little nervous, spending all those hours with people I don't know?  I'm a little shy and can often be stand-offish...but these two ladies were amazing!  What a fantastic time!  We wandered around West Edmonton Mall (I bought a few things, nothing major)...bought a shirt for the husband of one of the ladies and bought a bow tie for Earl...It was fun!

That night, drank a lot of wine, danced so much my legs hurt!  Great conversations, great dancing!  What a wonderful night!  Earl puked after we returned to the hotel room - some people should know when to stop drinking!  He is hurting today (he had to work at his regular job tonight)...but it was worth it!  I loved the 2 ladies I met - Amy and Robin...I hope I will have the opportunity to see them again outside of a military function!  We've invited Amy and her husband, Derek, for Christmas dinner...I hope they can make it because I feel the need to entertain!  I love throwing parties and just haven't done any in a great many years!

With the shopping, I realized I really want to lose weight and tone up.  I want to shop at stores like Jacob and buy beautiful things to wear!  Jacob had some wonderful sales, but nothing fits me.  Additional Elle fits me, but doesn't have nice things and the sales suck.  Very disappointing.  So, I need to set up the treadmill again and get my butt back to Jo at the gym!  I want to be physically strong and toned.  I want to be healthy and fit.  I want to be able to wear nice clothes and look fantastic in them!  I want energy and vitality and life!  I want to be able to do pushups and run long distances....

To that end, I need to go back to not eating at Mcdonald's and to bringing my own meals to work.  Eat breakfast at home, bring a snack for coffee time, drink my tea, bring lunch, eat a healthy snack when I get home after work...healthy supper...water...I know what to do, but just don't consistently practice it.  Why?  Why don't I?  Well, now I will.

Thanks for listening!

Midnight

Well, here it is, just past midnight and I should be getting ready for work.  I had the most amazing, vivid dream in the 2 hours I slept tonight!  But all I remember is how vivid the colours were and how great the storyline was.  I remember waking up briefly and thinking "ah, that's the stuff!  I might be back on track for writing!"  So, hopefully, that is where I am heading!

I don't feel I have anything else to say.  I have 15 minutes to wash, get dressed, and be ready to go.  I think I can hear the wind outside, either that or someone is running their truck - which is a definite possibility living in Central Alberta!

The kitchen is clean, there was a delicious egg sandwich waiting for me when I woke up.

Sometimes I feel like there is a wall (I can actually visualize it, it's so strong) between my husband and myself.  And then I wake up and there is an egg sandwich with a loving note and a heart.  How wonderful!  Gives me hope!  Makes me wonder if the wall is part of my medication.  I also think my episodes that led to medication might have been caused by stress at work and nothing else.  Do the side effects of medication make it worthwhile?  I don't know.  I haven't been taking my medication consistently enough to know for sure.  Not good.

So, now I have 13 minutes and I better get a move-on!  This is just a quick blurb to remind myself that the blog is here and needs me to put words to paper!  Have a great day!

Ahhh, Sunday morning

Here it is, Sunday morning and I'm enjoying a fresh cup of coffee while listening to one child hum "we wish you a merry christmas" and the other child throwing himself around and crying.  How quiet, how wonderful...wait a second...What's with the tantrum?  He's 4, for goodness sake!  I am trying to get the children to put their toys away so we can decorate for Christmas...So, I am bribing them with TV...pick up toys, watch TV!  It's working for Robyn, but Brendan refuses to pick up any toys.  He has thrown himself on the ground in silent protest, run into his sick father's room to complain, run up and down the hallway screaming, thrown himself on the ground and cried at the top of his lungs...stuck his jaw out and tried to stare me down (good luck with that one)...but he absolutely refuses to pick up the one toy I have asked him to.  One book he needs to pick up and put away and then I will put Dora back on (well, Dora is now over)...He just doesn't get it.  But this is so important that he understand that he doesn't get rewarded for nothing and TV is a reward.  Sigh, my beautiful, quiet Sunday morning...

He now has picked up the book but is creating roadblocks..."Where should I put it"  "On the bookshelf"  "But it's a toy book"  "Then put it in your toy box"  "But my toybox is far away"  "So put it on the bookshelf for now, just put it away"  "But I want to play with Robyn"  "So put away the book and you  can play with Robyn"  "But I want to watch TV"  "So, put the book away and I will put TV on so you can watch TV and play with Robyn"...on an on...Dora episode is over, and finally Brendan puts away the book!  Sigh.  At least he did it...next drama - "I wanted to watch the Dora show with Gold"...."It's over, you took too long"...drama...

But now I am sitting in a living room that is mostly tidy.  I have to put away some of my books, my purses, my photo items!  I'm hoping to start putting up Christmas today!  Less than 1 month to go!  Yay Christmas!

Needing to put away my purses brings me to the next issue, the front hall closet.  It needs shelving, not just the one shelf above the coats, but a series of small shelves to the side of where the coats go - floor to ceiling.  Then I could put my purses there.  Plus, we need a couple of shelves on the floor for boots and shoes.  We have too many shoes for the closet.  Project today - empty the floor of the closet and separate summer shoes from winter and reorganize.  Also, go through the coats.  I will do so after my next coffee...

I am inspired by Brendan finally picking up the 1 book!  What example are we setting with our little messes around the house?  I will tidy the small messes, tidy house, happy mind!  And start on the next game of fitness battleship (for which I need a tidy living room)!  Go Me!

Writing lots, as it pops in my head....

So, as ideas pop in my head I am writing them in my blog...I apologize if anyone is reading this and getting frustrated by how much I am writing in bits and blurbs...Not really!  I have to write as it pops in my head as I don't have anyone to talk to.  How sad is that?  I have work, the kids, and Earl.  It makes me sad.  But I am not an outgoing person and find it difficult to make friends.  So here I am, 10 years in Red Deer and no really close friends.  I have a few friends that I love and cherish, but I don't want to infringe on their lives so don't.  (If they happen to read this, they know who they are!) but I miss my life in the big city!  At least if your friends were busy there were things to do (and transportation to get there!)...Here, I am trapped by my inability to drive and the lack of things to do.  The local museum can be seen in under 15 minutes.  I tried to get a job at the local archives but didn't get an interview so I applied to be a volunteer - they turned me down for that, too!  I was asked to join a local women's singing group but with the small children (at the time) it wasn't possible.  Now the children are older, I may look into it.  I have to ask the name of the group again!  I am really unhappy in Red Deer but cannot leave.  Earl is happy here and to find jobs for 2 people without the appropriate education is very difficult.  We both have great jobs that pay well and that we enjoy, I'm just unhappy in my outside work life.  But that is me.  I could make great friends at my gym, but I'm very quiet for the most part and don't.  I could call friends and invite them over for fun, outside activities with their kids and mine...but I don't.  I attend scrapbooking days once a month, that's fun!  To have time "to myself" and enjoy conversation and snacks and working on my photos (which I love)...But otherwise I feel lonely.  I feel like something is lacking in my life and that is family (we are very far from our families) and friends.  Not that the friends I had from over 10 years ago are still hanging out all the time, they also have families and new friends from the outside activities they do...but I miss them and need them. 

What is keeping me from stepping out and doing things to make the friends and provide the stimulus I feel missing from my life?  Why am I so scared?  So angry?  So sad...?  I don't even have time to read anymore (although I did stay up the other night and read an entire book!  It felt so good!  I need to renew my library membership...)  I miss reading, I miss writing, I miss talking to friends...I would love to join a book club (how do you find one?  No one I know does that...)...I miss going to museums, art galleries, I miss Ottawa and the festivals...I miss Ottawa and I want to go home, but life has taken me away from there and not provided me the opportunity to return.  No work for my husband (and he really isn't interested in moving to Ottawa), no work for me, house right now wouldn't provide us money to move or buy again.  In 2 years we'll be debt free and have collateral from our home.  Can I convince my husband to move?  Do I really want to move back to Ottawa?  Or somewhere warmer - like the West Coast?  Somewhere on the Island?  Does everyone want they don't and can't have?  I am here and need to LIVE here, not just exist.

That's what I feel like I'm doing.  Not even existing.  I am just here.  I am full of anger and resentment and unhappiness.  I am not happy with my career, although it is the best job ever and pays well and will ensure we are debt free and set us up well for retirement.  I am not happy in the way I am a mother, I feel mean and set apart from my children.  I am not happy with my relationship with my husband, is the wall something I built or is it our relationship?  I feel like the stereotypical middle aged person reaching the age of 40 (1 year to go)...Is this my mid-life crisis?  I want a better relationship with my husband, but he pretty much either goes to bed when the kids do or watches hockey or plays XBox with his friends who live away from here.  I am sad and don't know how to turn it around.  Plus, I believe that the feelings you emit come back to you, so if I am sad, then only sad things will happen to me.  I need to find my happy, however small it might be right now, and slowly build it back again.

Sigh.