Midnight

Well, here it is, just past midnight and I should be getting ready for work.  I had the most amazing, vivid dream in the 2 hours I slept tonight!  But all I remember is how vivid the colours were and how great the storyline was.  I remember waking up briefly and thinking "ah, that's the stuff!  I might be back on track for writing!"  So, hopefully, that is where I am heading!

I don't feel I have anything else to say.  I have 15 minutes to wash, get dressed, and be ready to go.  I think I can hear the wind outside, either that or someone is running their truck - which is a definite possibility living in Central Alberta!

The kitchen is clean, there was a delicious egg sandwich waiting for me when I woke up.

Sometimes I feel like there is a wall (I can actually visualize it, it's so strong) between my husband and myself.  And then I wake up and there is an egg sandwich with a loving note and a heart.  How wonderful!  Gives me hope!  Makes me wonder if the wall is part of my medication.  I also think my episodes that led to medication might have been caused by stress at work and nothing else.  Do the side effects of medication make it worthwhile?  I don't know.  I haven't been taking my medication consistently enough to know for sure.  Not good.

So, now I have 13 minutes and I better get a move-on!  This is just a quick blurb to remind myself that the blog is here and needs me to put words to paper!  Have a great day!

Ahhh, Sunday morning

Here it is, Sunday morning and I'm enjoying a fresh cup of coffee while listening to one child hum "we wish you a merry christmas" and the other child throwing himself around and crying.  How quiet, how wonderful...wait a second...What's with the tantrum?  He's 4, for goodness sake!  I am trying to get the children to put their toys away so we can decorate for Christmas...So, I am bribing them with TV...pick up toys, watch TV!  It's working for Robyn, but Brendan refuses to pick up any toys.  He has thrown himself on the ground in silent protest, run into his sick father's room to complain, run up and down the hallway screaming, thrown himself on the ground and cried at the top of his lungs...stuck his jaw out and tried to stare me down (good luck with that one)...but he absolutely refuses to pick up the one toy I have asked him to.  One book he needs to pick up and put away and then I will put Dora back on (well, Dora is now over)...He just doesn't get it.  But this is so important that he understand that he doesn't get rewarded for nothing and TV is a reward.  Sigh, my beautiful, quiet Sunday morning...

He now has picked up the book but is creating roadblocks..."Where should I put it"  "On the bookshelf"  "But it's a toy book"  "Then put it in your toy box"  "But my toybox is far away"  "So put it on the bookshelf for now, just put it away"  "But I want to play with Robyn"  "So put away the book and you  can play with Robyn"  "But I want to watch TV"  "So, put the book away and I will put TV on so you can watch TV and play with Robyn"...on an on...Dora episode is over, and finally Brendan puts away the book!  Sigh.  At least he did it...next drama - "I wanted to watch the Dora show with Gold"...."It's over, you took too long"...drama...

But now I am sitting in a living room that is mostly tidy.  I have to put away some of my books, my purses, my photo items!  I'm hoping to start putting up Christmas today!  Less than 1 month to go!  Yay Christmas!

Needing to put away my purses brings me to the next issue, the front hall closet.  It needs shelving, not just the one shelf above the coats, but a series of small shelves to the side of where the coats go - floor to ceiling.  Then I could put my purses there.  Plus, we need a couple of shelves on the floor for boots and shoes.  We have too many shoes for the closet.  Project today - empty the floor of the closet and separate summer shoes from winter and reorganize.  Also, go through the coats.  I will do so after my next coffee...

I am inspired by Brendan finally picking up the 1 book!  What example are we setting with our little messes around the house?  I will tidy the small messes, tidy house, happy mind!  And start on the next game of fitness battleship (for which I need a tidy living room)!  Go Me!

Writing lots, as it pops in my head....

So, as ideas pop in my head I am writing them in my blog...I apologize if anyone is reading this and getting frustrated by how much I am writing in bits and blurbs...Not really!  I have to write as it pops in my head as I don't have anyone to talk to.  How sad is that?  I have work, the kids, and Earl.  It makes me sad.  But I am not an outgoing person and find it difficult to make friends.  So here I am, 10 years in Red Deer and no really close friends.  I have a few friends that I love and cherish, but I don't want to infringe on their lives so don't.  (If they happen to read this, they know who they are!) but I miss my life in the big city!  At least if your friends were busy there were things to do (and transportation to get there!)...Here, I am trapped by my inability to drive and the lack of things to do.  The local museum can be seen in under 15 minutes.  I tried to get a job at the local archives but didn't get an interview so I applied to be a volunteer - they turned me down for that, too!  I was asked to join a local women's singing group but with the small children (at the time) it wasn't possible.  Now the children are older, I may look into it.  I have to ask the name of the group again!  I am really unhappy in Red Deer but cannot leave.  Earl is happy here and to find jobs for 2 people without the appropriate education is very difficult.  We both have great jobs that pay well and that we enjoy, I'm just unhappy in my outside work life.  But that is me.  I could make great friends at my gym, but I'm very quiet for the most part and don't.  I could call friends and invite them over for fun, outside activities with their kids and mine...but I don't.  I attend scrapbooking days once a month, that's fun!  To have time "to myself" and enjoy conversation and snacks and working on my photos (which I love)...But otherwise I feel lonely.  I feel like something is lacking in my life and that is family (we are very far from our families) and friends.  Not that the friends I had from over 10 years ago are still hanging out all the time, they also have families and new friends from the outside activities they do...but I miss them and need them. 

What is keeping me from stepping out and doing things to make the friends and provide the stimulus I feel missing from my life?  Why am I so scared?  So angry?  So sad...?  I don't even have time to read anymore (although I did stay up the other night and read an entire book!  It felt so good!  I need to renew my library membership...)  I miss reading, I miss writing, I miss talking to friends...I would love to join a book club (how do you find one?  No one I know does that...)...I miss going to museums, art galleries, I miss Ottawa and the festivals...I miss Ottawa and I want to go home, but life has taken me away from there and not provided me the opportunity to return.  No work for my husband (and he really isn't interested in moving to Ottawa), no work for me, house right now wouldn't provide us money to move or buy again.  In 2 years we'll be debt free and have collateral from our home.  Can I convince my husband to move?  Do I really want to move back to Ottawa?  Or somewhere warmer - like the West Coast?  Somewhere on the Island?  Does everyone want they don't and can't have?  I am here and need to LIVE here, not just exist.

That's what I feel like I'm doing.  Not even existing.  I am just here.  I am full of anger and resentment and unhappiness.  I am not happy with my career, although it is the best job ever and pays well and will ensure we are debt free and set us up well for retirement.  I am not happy in the way I am a mother, I feel mean and set apart from my children.  I am not happy with my relationship with my husband, is the wall something I built or is it our relationship?  I feel like the stereotypical middle aged person reaching the age of 40 (1 year to go)...Is this my mid-life crisis?  I want a better relationship with my husband, but he pretty much either goes to bed when the kids do or watches hockey or plays XBox with his friends who live away from here.  I am sad and don't know how to turn it around.  Plus, I believe that the feelings you emit come back to you, so if I am sad, then only sad things will happen to me.  I need to find my happy, however small it might be right now, and slowly build it back again.

Sigh.

Wow, that was hard and embarrassing

I was all anxious to write some more...but it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to access my blog so I could write something new!  How embarrassing!  But in the end, I did figure it out!  Yay me!

So, I admitted on Facebook that I've started a blog.  It was very hard for me to do and I almost didn't do it.  I don't know why it was so hard.  I used to be a really good writer, why would I now be embarrassed to let people know I'm attempting to write again?  But I was and I still did it!  I let people know.  Not where or what my blog is, just that I started one!

So here I am, writing.  It feels so good to have the fingers flying over the keyboard and to see the words rolling out on my page.  That was one of the things I loved about writing, seeing the words appear on the page like magic.  One minute there is nothing and then there is something.  That something is magic.  Whatever it says or means (or doesn't mean)...magic!  I miss that magic in my life.  And here it is, magic.  I don't know why I feel that way, that the words are magic.  But it creates a feeling inside of me, excitement and hope, it brings a smile to my face to see the words and know that I've started on this path (again).  I hope I will be able to find my centre and possibly create for others to read and enjoy.

So that is it, for now.  I am surrounded by disaster (toys, toys, toys) and need to clean the house!  So, until the urge strikes again (which won't be long...little blurbs as I go along)...

This is new to me

I have been reading other blogs and realize that this might be the method I need to return to where I need to be.  I'll back up a bit - in highschool I was a writer.  I wrote journals and poems and books.  My writing saved me from failing biology in Grade 10 (I covered the exam in poems about biology - I guess I knew enough to pass...).  Fellow students and my teachers wanted to read my writing, it was great!  But then something happened - I joined the Reserves and that seemed to stop my writing.  I floundered and then went dry.  It's bothered me for over 20 years.  20 years.  20 years of not really writing, of trying and then failing.  It makes me unhappy, it makes me angry.  I want to write, I want ME back and ME is tied up with my writing.  I miss the friends from my writing.  I miss the dreams I had regarding my writing.  Travelling the world, living in other countries, and writing.  I see friends who have pursued the writing profession and are succeeding, and I am jealous and it makes me more upset.  Plus, all the writings from highschool are gone.  I gave them to a friend to read and then he moved and took them with him and then threw them out.  He threw out my writings.  Why did I do that?  Why did I trust a portion of my soul to someone?  What was I thinking?  So here I am, coming on to age 40, and my current inability to write to my satisfaction makes me brittle and angry with everyone and everything.  Writing is soothing to my soul, it gets the anger and frustrations out, it makes life easier to deal with because there is an outlet for everything.  I love writing.  I love creating other worlds, other lives, and other people's stories.  I miss it, and I hope that by blogging I may be able to return that portion of me to myself.