So, as ideas pop in my head I am writing them in my blog...I apologize if anyone is reading this and getting frustrated by how much I am writing in bits and blurbs...Not really! I have to write as it pops in my head as I don't have anyone to talk to. How sad is that? I have work, the kids, and Earl. It makes me sad. But I am not an outgoing person and find it difficult to make friends. So here I am, 10 years in Red Deer and no really close friends. I have a few friends that I love and cherish, but I don't want to infringe on their lives so don't. (If they happen to read this, they know who they are!) but I miss my life in the big city! At least if your friends were busy there were things to do (and transportation to get there!)...Here, I am trapped by my inability to drive and the lack of things to do. The local museum can be seen in under 15 minutes. I tried to get a job at the local archives but didn't get an interview so I applied to be a volunteer - they turned me down for that, too! I was asked to join a local women's singing group but with the small children (at the time) it wasn't possible. Now the children are older, I may look into it. I have to ask the name of the group again! I am really unhappy in Red Deer but cannot leave. Earl is happy here and to find jobs for 2 people without the appropriate education is very difficult. We both have great jobs that pay well and that we enjoy, I'm just unhappy in my outside work life. But that is me. I could make great friends at my gym, but I'm very quiet for the most part and don't. I could call friends and invite them over for fun, outside activities with their kids and mine...but I don't. I attend scrapbooking days once a month, that's fun! To have time "to myself" and enjoy conversation and snacks and working on my photos (which I love)...But otherwise I feel lonely. I feel like something is lacking in my life and that is family (we are very far from our families) and friends. Not that the friends I had from over 10 years ago are still hanging out all the time, they also have families and new friends from the outside activities they do...but I miss them and need them.
What is keeping me from stepping out and doing things to make the friends and provide the stimulus I feel missing from my life? Why am I so scared? So angry? So sad...? I don't even have time to read anymore (although I did stay up the other night and read an entire book! It felt so good! I need to renew my library membership...) I miss reading, I miss writing, I miss talking to friends...I would love to join a book club (how do you find one? No one I know does that...)...I miss going to museums, art galleries, I miss Ottawa and the festivals...I miss Ottawa and I want to go home, but life has taken me away from there and not provided me the opportunity to return. No work for my husband (and he really isn't interested in moving to Ottawa), no work for me, house right now wouldn't provide us money to move or buy again. In 2 years we'll be debt free and have collateral from our home. Can I convince my husband to move? Do I really want to move back to Ottawa? Or somewhere warmer - like the West Coast? Somewhere on the Island? Does everyone want they don't and can't have? I am here and need to LIVE here, not just exist.
That's what I feel like I'm doing. Not even existing. I am just here. I am full of anger and resentment and unhappiness. I am not happy with my career, although it is the best job ever and pays well and will ensure we are debt free and set us up well for retirement. I am not happy in the way I am a mother, I feel mean and set apart from my children. I am not happy with my relationship with my husband, is the wall something I built or is it our relationship? I feel like the stereotypical middle aged person reaching the age of 40 (1 year to go)...Is this my mid-life crisis? I want a better relationship with my husband, but he pretty much either goes to bed when the kids do or watches hockey or plays XBox with his friends who live away from here. I am sad and don't know how to turn it around. Plus, I believe that the feelings you emit come back to you, so if I am sad, then only sad things will happen to me. I need to find my happy, however small it might be right now, and slowly build it back again.
Sigh.
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